I didn't choose depression...

Photo Credit: High AnXieties

And that my friends is all I really have to say about that!

Please share!!!

Depression

Photo Credit:  The Lonely Lotus

To make a long story short,
I remember, around age 12, feeling so totally alone.
This overwhelming sadness had come over me.
As I look back, I now know that this was more than
just being an emotional adolescent.
This was the first time I met Depression.

I was not diagnosed until I was 19.
On a cloudy, very cold, snowy Winter day,
I ended up walking to Hamilton Center,
 a mental health center in my town.
I felt I had to do something.
I was going crazy with sadness.
It was consuming my life.

Now, at age 44
having been diagnosed with Major 
Depressive Disorder and Anxiety 
(among a few other things),
I refuse to hide my mental illness.

I am not alone.
You are not alone.

I am no longer ashamed.

Stay Tuned!
I will fill in the missing years
as time goes by.

 

I'm Back

Photo Credit:  Change Your Thoughts

It seems like forever since I wrote a blog post.
I kind of got stuck in a depressive rut.
Imagine that!

I tend to sleep a lot when I am depressed.
It is my way of not dealing with life.
And I even lie to myself and others by saying that 
sleeping a lot is my way of healing.

Hah!

I can hear Dr.Phil now, "How's that working for ya?"
Well, honestly, I got through it didn't I?
(But I think I get what he is thinking)

So what better way to get backing to what 
I love than jumping right into a blog challenge.

Yes, it will truly be a challenge in more ways than one.

Let me list the reasons why:

I have no Internet/WiFi at home.

My laptop has been broken all year.

I just have a little netbook and my cell.
(a little too small for my fat fingers)

And this little issue called Chronic Fatigue. 

On the bright side:

I have Internet at work.
(I can sneak a few words in a post every now and then)

Sometimes I can pick up the next door
neighbors WiFI.
(my parents live next door...Yay!) 

If I need to, I can write blog posts from my cell.
(the posts will be small, so I must make them mighty)

I must now say,
"Let the freaking challenge begin."

Oh, I forgot to mention the challenge
is just for the month of October.
(I will do my best to finish this one)

 

Depression is Real

10 Things I Wish People

 Knew About Depression

Click Title Above for Article

Thanks to Danny Baker and 

HuffPost Lifestyle United Kingdom.

Sorry this is a short post.  

I am currently battling

a sinus infection of some sort.

I on three kinds of meds.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Happy Weekend!

 

Fighters Forever

Photo Credit:  https://www.facebook.com/DepressedLikeMe

Smile! 

We are in this together.

You are not alone.

You matter.

You matter to me.

Definition of Depression

https://www.facebook.com/CamhammerHorror

You feel like you are trying so hard to keep

your head above water,ever so close to drowning,

yet all the while fighting like hell with all 

your might and all you can do is tread 

the waters with death at your heals. 

Original Origin Unknowm

I know I had some pretty 

dark moments this year.

I am going to leave them behind me 

and start fresh again in 2014.

You know you can too!

So glad we are all still here!

My,My, My, Has it BeenThat Long?

It seems that every time I wanted to blog, I just didn't.
I made excuses.  I was usually too tired, didn't feel good,
or just plain had no energy.
Depression does that you know,
makes you not want to do the things
you once loved.

I have been struggling daily with life.
Stress is beginning to really take its toll on me.
I have been just going through the motions every day.
Depression wreaks havoc on your emotions, brings on
negativity, and robs you of joy.

I am feeling a little better but nothing has really changed.
I am still stressed out all the time over not having a car,
not having enough money to pay the bills,
and wondering how I will make it through another day.
I barely live paycheck to paycheck.
And yet, somehow I do make it through to see another day.

I know that I need to control my thoughts using
cognitive thinking skills but it seems that I am
my own devil, my own worst enemy.
I seem to continue to make this world my own personal hell.
I will get back to working on changing my thought habits.

photo from Rage Girl at https://www.facebook.com/menRpigs

I did to manage somehow to get rid of the most toxic person in my life, so that is an accomplishment in itself even if I didn't do it directly.  My ex moved out at the end of September because he needed to get away from me. HAH!  He did me a favor.
I was able have my own room again.
I was then able to finally say goodbye to the couch after
sleeping on it for four years.
It is an awesome feeling sleeping in a bed again,
having privacy, and being free of emotional and verbal abuse,
you don't even know.
But even that wasn't enough to keep the depression at bay.

So here I am today, feeling tired as usual,
 but I am so glad that I decided that tonight
would be the night that I would jump back into blogging,
something that I loved doing.

So, yeah, I am okay, just okay and I am okay with that.
I know that it is okay not to be okay too.
But for now, I will take it what I can get.

I promise not to stay away so long next time.
I was wondering if my blog was still up and running.
Yep, it was right where I left it,
waiting patiently for me to return.

Being positive with a depressive soul has
turned into some sort of oxymoron.
Was I wrong to think that I could actually be
positive with a depressive soul.
Oh well, it is what it is or is it?

I will never give up

Yes, I am!  

I feel like I am slowly getting back on track.
It's is a feeling that is hard to define but
all I know is that the chaos in mind
is beginning to slow down to a
calmer, less dark place.
I have chosen to fight.
I know that I will win the 
battle and be victorious again.

It is always a fight, me against my depression.

But I know in my heart that I am not a quitter.

Now, I may be a procrastinator, 

somewhat lazy, even scared but 

I will not give up.

I am worth it!

Life is a beautiful struggle.

I Suffer From Depression

 

You have got to see this video. 

I was amazed at the strength and determination

 that this young man has.

 

He found his voice at 19 and it took me until last year (when I was 41) to be able to say those four little words,

"I suffer from depression."

This video gives me hope!
A hope that one day people will no longer have to hide their depression or other mental illness from the world.
A hope that we will all be treated equal in
regards to medical treatment without the fear
of what others might think.
A hope that if we talk about mental health enough that the stigma of mental illness will disappear.

 

 

 Tell me what you think of this video?!?

I am truly inspired by this young man, hope you are too!

Thanks Kevin Breel for sharing your story!

Much love to you!

 

 



http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words

 

Fighting Like Hell

Well through the deepest, darkest depression of my life, 

I managed to only be one post behind in my challenges.

Now, that my friends, is a miracle in itself.

I have been fighting this latest depression for over a month.

And I promise you I will fight like hell to get through it.

I prayed last night for a sign and I woke up feeling a teensy bit better.

I'll take it! 

Therefore, I decided not to admit myself into the hospital today.

I will not be fooled by my distorted thoughts.

I know that people do care but they just don't understand

how incapacitating depression can be. 

They are right, I will get through it (not necessarily over it), 

maybe not now, tomorrow or next week but soon.

Here is a quote that I live by:

"Be patient, my soul, thou has suffered worse than this"...Homer

Now, I feel that I truly understand.  The meaning is very clear to me now!

Warning: Nothing Positive Here

Since I have had such a horrible, terrible, really bad weekend, this post will serve as two posts.

So here is my weekend post:

This just about sums up my whole weekend.  

I did  nothing but sleep and cry all weekend long.

The only time I wasn't crying and was somewhat content was when I was asleep,

dreaming of something better.

This waiting for a miracle is too damn draining.

On another negative note:

I wasn't able to save any money from 

from my pay this past Friday.   

Ugghhh!  So I am not any closer to getting a car

 or getting a different place to live.

Depression Sucks!

I never said all my posts were going to be pretty.

Until next time, consider yourself warned.

I changed my attitude

This major depressive episode kicked my butt.  

Nothing has changed, my life still sucks but I know that I 

cannot live like this anymore.  

Something has to change. 

And the only thing I can change is the way I look at things

Yes, I am under a lot of stress.

Yes, I am sad and lonely.

Yes, my depression has consumed me.

But, I have to stop and take a look around me.

I am okay and that is all that matters.

Everything will work out, maybe not today or even tomorrow

but someday when the time is right.

As long as I do what I have to do then things will turn out fine.

I will never give up on me.

I will live one day at a time.

Because that is all I can do!